العربيةI was on my way home. It was a late afternoon and I decided to skip the bus. One foot after the other and I find myself weeping and looking up at the sky, for a solution, for a way out. I had moved to Germany 3 years prior, while all my family members have settled in and got legal documentation, I was the only one with a rejection and a deportation order.
Going back home in of itself wasn’t safe for me, as they can come any minute, any day. And that lasted for 3 years. The outside world wasn’t safe either, Syrians weren’t welcomed in Germany or at least the passive aggressive undertone of superiority spoke louder than words.
As I get back home and curl into my bed, I cried myself to sleep. There was so much love in me in a world full of war, death, racism, hatred and humans controlling your own right to live. I was awakened by my sister’s hush whispers, telling me “they’re here” and we all knew who “they” were.
It was still night, and I could barely see them through the blinds but I heard them and I felt them. I knew it was time. I knew the Universe had responded. Instinctively I wanted to runaway, so I go over to the shoebox to grab my running shoes and walk the dark corridor to get to the balcony but they had surrounded the house. My mother had woken up by then and I knew I needed to be strong for the sake of all of us. The neighbour had buzzed them in, by law, you have to. They started breaking down the door. My mother and sister went into panic but I knew what had to be done. I opened the door and I was completely blinded by their flashlights. It was eight German police officers, in my “home” at 4AM.
I had to calm my mother down as she was screaming and begging them to let me stay. I was only allowed to brush my teeth, I grabbed a hoodie, my toothbrush and my phone. As I stepped outside, I politely told them not to touch me, I am not a criminal, if anything I am a natively born lover to humanity. It was a chilly night and the rain was falling on my face, it reminded me of my unspoken of deal with the universe. I had no idea where I’m going or what’s happening next but I knew it had heard me, I knew it had answered my plea, and that washed peace over me.
We arrive at the station, they mention a flight I’m taking in a few hours and that I must remain in this cell. Freshly white painted, white lights no windows, which gave me plenty of time to contemplate over my origins, my roots, why I was particularly born a Syrian, my lessons, my challenges in this lifetime. We drive to Frankfurt where my flight is. I find out I was going to Milan and the rest is history. This was five years ago, my whole life had shifted from that night. I have gained the ability to go within, to dive into my shadows and face my darkness. I have found myself, I have found the home I’ve always longed for..within.